Figuring out what I really want to do

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what I really want to do in the near future. About six months ago I came back from my trip, and apart from becoming a volunteer for ONE nothing has changed since. I still live with my parents and I’m still in the rejection phase – not necessarily things I enjoy about my life right now – and because of that I’ve started to think about all the other things I could be doing if I weren’t looking for a job. Of course I do want the jobs I apply for, but I’m starting to feel less and less sure about the probability of actually being hired relatively soon. The idea of being stuck in this situation for another year or longer feels horrible, and it gets even harder whenever I think about the possibility of just giving up on starting my career for now and taking my life somewhere else instead.

Right now, ONE is the only thing that makes me feel like my situation isn’t that bad. It’s the only thing that’s stable and certain, at least for the year. After that, I could buy a one way ticket to anywhere, work abroad and travel indefinitely. Thinking about that has even provided me with a deadline: if I don’t find a job before the end of the year, I leave. If all goes well I find a job anyway, if not I have a good alternative. Of course I’ll feel bad about giving up, and I’m pretty sure travelling won’t be great forever, but I could definitely keep it up for a few years. Worrying about getting a job would obviously make a big comeback after a while, but at least I won’t feel as if my life is on a standstill anymore.

Thinking about that possibility soothes a bit, but it’s still a pretty long wait until the end of the year. I could already make a change right now, for example by applying for jobs that I didn’t study for but would be fun anyway. A lot of people have told me I should work for a travel agency or become a tour leader, and both sound like they would be very fulfilling for a few years. Other things that seem fun to me would be supervising roles in cinemas or hostels. Something to help people out with the things I love doing too. I probably won’t immediately find a job like that either, but I could start applying for them at least. All I need to do is start sending letters.

Easy as it may seem, I’m very reluctant to apply for jobs like that. The problem is that it would feel like abandoning everything I’ve worked for up to now. I’m okay with not getting my dream job immediately, I really don’t expect I will, but I’d like to get a job in the field I graduated in at least. Moving away from that would feel like giving up as much as packing up and travelling would. My field is amazing to me, I chose it for a reason, and I’m just too stubborn to move away from it already. Perhaps I could try to come back to it later, but the gap on my CV will be massive. Sure, I’ll have experience, but it won’t be relevant. The CV-gap I have is big enough already, so it feels like ‘now or never’ if I really want to have a career in the field. Perhaps I’ll think differently in a couple more months, but for now I’ll have to stay stubborn.

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