A change of mind?

The past week has been a bit weird. On Monday I had a two-round interview day for a position as a tour guide for a few weeks in summer, and although I made it through the first round I received a short, standard rejection by email the next day. After calling them I learned that they thought I’m a bit too young still, which I understand although it made me wonder why they let me through the first round at all. The odd thing is that after that (kind of understandable) rejection I suddenly lost the motivation to do all kinds of things. It hit me a lot harder than the plenty of other rejections before, and I’m still not sure why. I just suddenly started asking myself “why even bother” about basically everything I’m doing right now. I was confronted by the big question of “is it even worth it”, and I must say I haven’t completely recovered from that feeling yet.

The big issue I’ve been dealing with for a while now is that I feel like I’m on a bit of a standstill. Nothing has changed over the past few months and that’s starting to bother me more and more. Being away from the place I used to live adds to that annoyance; there isn’t much to do in this tiny village and it’s harder to meet up with friends now most of them live over an hour away from me. When I’m at home, every day is just a repetition of the day before and that just isn’t quite the way I would like it to be. On top of that, those days give me a lot of time to think about the alternatives. Usually I fight against it and tell myself I shouldn’t give up on my ambitions and ideals, that it’ll be worth the wait. I still believe in that, but I’m starting to realize I don’t have to give up on everything even if I go with one of the alternatives.

That alternative would be to move back to the city and look for a simple (side) job there. Before, I didn’t do that since I knew I’d feel bad about leaving the side job after a few months because I found a better one. A similar thing goes for finding a new place to live. Why go through all the effort of finding a place and getting acquainted with new roommates if there’s a chance I’d leave after a short while? Would I have to lie to my future employer or roommates and say I plan to work or live there indefinitely, just so they choose me? The biggest shift in my thought pattern can be found in that last part: I wouldn’t necessarily feel I’m lying anymore, since I don’t actually expect to find the job I want anytime soon anymore. Maybe I just lost a bit of hope after that last rejection; not because it was worse than the others, but just because it was that final drop.

The thing with this alternative is that it’s not that easy to find a place to live when I don’t have a job (most people would want proof that I can pay for the place), but it’s also not easy to find a job when I don’t live near the place I want to work. I have only just started looking for both – and not even that actively yet – but I can see a potential problem there. Hopefully it’ll all work out and I’ll have a bit of a change of surroundings soon. We’ll see.

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